I feel like I am not living up to the expectations that I set for myself as a stay at home mom, homeschooling mom, wife, soccer mom, friend, etc. etc.  I am so overwhelmed all of the time.  And, not only am I overwhelmed, I’m upset at myself that I am overwhelmed because I think that I should be amazing and be able to do everything great and meet everyone’s needs and look and feel wonderful, myself.  Conceited much? And it breaks me that I cannot be everything that I feel like I need to be.  I feel behind, and every day that I wake up I think I’m a little bit farther behind.

I feel pressure, that I’m not really sure is there or not, of other people critiquing me.  I know that people thought I was too young when Matt and I got married, and many people questioned how I would do as a step-mother and wife at only 21.  And, it angered me.  I felt so confident in myself back then.  Even last summer (”08) that the boys came to stay with us I felt so good about my abilities.  And now, I feel worthless.  I feel unorganized, unprepared, unworthy of this great job that the Lord has put in my hands.  Why he thought I could do this, I do not know.  And yet, I still feel the need to put on my mask.  To tell everyone that everything is peachy and we are doing wonderful and things couldn’t be better.  That homeschooling is so much fun and I love it.  And while I love it, I think it’s best for the kids, and I think the kids are doing great, I don’t know that I would classify this as fun at the moment.  I can’t believe that I am even saying this.  What kind of mother/teacher am I?

Last summer the boys and I had fun.  We went places, baked cookies, hung out, read some books together.  It was amazing.  But now that I’ve added “education” to everything I feel like I’m failing miserably.  And, worse than the fact that I’m failing is that the boys are going to be going to stay with their Mom more coming soon and there is so much more I wanted to do for them and with them.  I feel like I’ve not only failed myself, I’ve failed them.

And, I feel like even more of a failure for actually admitting that I’m failing.  Who does that?

You know who you are.  There is no need for me to name names.  You may or may not be reading this.  Probably not.  And that’s okay with me.  If you are reading it, fantastic.  Sit back, relax, and be prepared to get a piece of my mind.

I’ve known you for about 6 years now, give or take.  You’ve never liked me.  And, in all honesty, I’ve never really liked you, either.  There’s the faintest of possibilities that maybe, in some far away distant land, in a completely different life that maybe we could possibly, maybe, have the slightest chance of being friends.  But really, does it do us any good to think about the “what if’s” or “if only’s?”  It doesn’t, because our situation is what it is and will never be anything different.

You have been so mean to me for the last six years.  You looked down on me because of my age and what you saw as a lack of experience and/or ability on my part.  You’ve said mean things about me to the people who it would hurt me the most.  You’ve criticized so much that I’ve done, and felt free to tell me what you thought.  When, God forbid I defend myself that is somehow wrong, too.  You’ve butted in my life with unsolicited advice.  I’ve been in tears because of you.  I have cried, and cried, and cried because I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong or how to make it right.  I desperately longed for you to like me.

NO MORE.

I cannot be concerned with you or what you think of me, of my choices, of my ability in life.  I cannot and more importantly I will not.  If you don’t like me, you don’t.  You’re not the first person to dislike me, and I’m far above certain that you will not be the last.  And I don’t care.  How amazingly freeing is that.  I DO NOT CARE.  I DO NOT CARE.  I DON’T I DON’T I DON’T I DON’T I DON’T!!!!!!!

I know who I am in Christ.  I know that God chose me for a specific purpose.  That I am created in the image of my Creator and for a reason.  You cannot take that from me.  You may not like me and that I am in your life, but you cannot rob me of my God-given purpose.  You cannot.

I’m not a complete fool, like I sometimes feel like you think I am, and I know that this will not be easy.  But God is my Comfort, my Provider, my Helper.  He and I can do this together.

I will no longer let you strip away my joy in life.  I am a strong woman.  I love who I am, and who God is shaping me into.  I have strong passions and desires in life.  I will be happy, healthy, and whole.

From,

Me

This morning, in the shower while I was laying my burdens at the feet of my beautiful Saviour, I heard God speak to me.  I was crying out to God about much of what  I wrote about yesterday and also of my frustration of still being barren this is what I heard:

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

This is from “God of This City” by Chris Tomlin.  One of my favorite all time worship songs.  I heard this, out loud in my head.  And I have no doubt that God was whispering these words as reassurance to me.  I don’t believe that God will leave me childless.  I believe God is telling me that he has great plans for Matthew and my future; that he is not done working great miracles in our life.  I believe that letting the boys come to spend more time with us (which, by the way, Camden had a much better day today, and I attribute that directly to God.  I cried out in desperation this morning that he would learn to understand and be at peace  with the situation) is just the beginning for us.

Now, the fun part, is to learn how to wait patiently on God’s timing.  But now I feel like I have something tangible to hold on to.

Everything should be perfect then, right?  We got the longing of our hearts to be with our family more, and the boys got what they want so they should be ecstatic.  If you haven’t figured it out yet, they’re not.  Something strange has happened.  Now I think they are homesick for their mom.  Camden, especially, which has been the most shocking, since he has always been so attached to his Daddy.  Maybe even more surprising than Camden, is Christian.  Christian was always the most visibly shaken by the divorce of Matt and Sarah.  He was only around 4 or 5 at the time and he would always ask, even when Matt and I started dating, when his daddy was coming back home.  It was truly heart breaking to hear.  I know how much it hurt Matt.  But he really seems to love it hear, more than the other two boys.  And Thomas.  Well, I don’t know what to say about Thomas other than he is a 14 year old boy and I don’t think he knows what he wants.  We were talking to him yesterday about his lackadaisical attitude and apparent indifference towards life at the moment.  He actually said that he was okay being mediocre at everything in life and that he didn’t really aspire to be great or put forth his best effort in anything.  To which we told him that wasn’t an option and we would be failing at our duties as parents if we let him get away with that.  I think he misses his family up there while he’s here, but when he’s up there he’s always complaining about something: always having to watch the babies, the way his step-brother Joseph treats him (who, by the way, is an ass if I have ever met one), how much work his mom makes him do, etc. etc.  But now he’s complaining that he feels like he has too much to do down here with his soccer practices and having to practice some on his own, and the light chores that we make them all do.  When he was the one who said that he wanted to play soccer this year.  He was told, explicitly, that if he chose to play (and he did not have to) that he was going to have to put forth his best effort, and that if he didn’t want to do that he didn’t have to play.  Matt and I are firm believers that when you get to be older and play on a team sport that it is unfair to your teammates to not do your best.  Your not just hurting yourself, your hurting the entire team.  That means you pay attention in practice, try your hardest,  and try to improve yourself on your own time.  I wish more parents felt that way.  It’s really sad how many parents out there don’t care if their kids show up to practices or not just ’cause they don’t feel like it, watch their kids talk while the coach is talking or watch their kids goofing off.  If your kids don’t care about what they are there to do, why do you spend the money on it.  If they just want to goof off and have fun, let them get together with their friends instead of disrespecting the coach and other kids’ time.  Anyways, not only did Tom say he wanted to play but he has actually said that he wants to improve on his skills.  Now he says he doesn’t care.  Give it a few weeks and he’ll want to be a great soccer player again.

Now that I’m done with that, I can’t remember the point I was trying to make!  I think the point I was going for, before I got sidetracked, was that it’s really shaken us that the kids have been missing their mom so much.  And mainly Camden.  We really weren’t expecting that.  Especially since the kids have spent lots of time with us before.  I thought things were just going to be great and easy and nothing to it.  I’m not optimistic very much, and this hasn’t helped

I’m hoping that this is just a season that Camden is going through.  And I’m trying to remind myself that he is just a nine year old boy who just wants to be with his Daddy and his Mommy.  A few years ago he went through a phase where he would tell us that his biggest wish was that all of us could live in one big house together.  I thought we were through that phase, but maybe not.  It’s just hard because he’s never been like this before.  The paranoid side of me thinks that sometimes she says things to them and/or gets too weepy with them about everything (a few years ago she actually started crying in front of the kids when Christian told her he wanted to spend more time with his Dad).  But I suppose the right thing to do is just give her the benefit of the doubt.  Oh, how I wish the right thing to do was easy.

Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing.  Or if we were wrong in what we thought God wanted or what the boys wanted.  And what if we were wrong.  How heartbreaking for us, for Matt would that be that his boys don’t want to be with us.  This has been a very painful week for me, and I don’t know who to cry on.  I try to make it a point not to get upset in front of the kids.  I don’t think it’s fair to them to let my emotions sway them.  And with the boys home 24/7 now, that makes it kind of hard.  I don’t want to put this on Matt, I don’t want to hurt him.  So, it kind of makes it hard.  The kids are always here and I don’t want to lay this burden on my best friend.  I don’t know what to do.

I really thought this was the right thing.  And I don’t want to let Satan put doubts in my mind that this was right.  But it can be hard sometimes.  I know that the area of doubt and worry is one of the biggest things I need to work on in my life.

After I wrote the above, I was talking with Camden while I was cleaning out his ears (he gets nasty ear wax build up so we have to use drops to clean them out).  Anyways, we talked a little about the schedule we’re using this year (which he didn’t seem to fully comprehend) and how he liked being down here.  He said he loved it, but it was hard because he missed his mom and that he really wanted to be both places at once.  He talked about how much he misses his Daddy while he is staying with his mom, and how he tells her that often.  He said he really wanted to spend 3 weeks in one place, and 3 weeks at the other.  We decided that we were going to give this schedule a try for this year, and with a good attitude, and at the end we would re-evaluate for next year.  We’re going to print up a calender which shows when they are going to be here, and when they will be at their mom’s as a visual for him.

We went to church tonight (love going on Saturday nights, by the way, and having a whole free day on Sunday) and this is one of the first Bible verses we read:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

I need to get rid of my doubt, and stop letting Satan into my life to make me start questioning the road that we are traveling.  I believe that we are doing right.  I believe that this is the road that Jesus has marked for us to take with the boys.  And, just as Jesus endured much on the cross, so must we endure much in this life if we are doing the work that the Lord set before us.  And one of the biggest pieces of work the Lord has given us is to raise 3 boys into 3 God-fearing, God-loving, and God-honoring men.

I wanted to add, also, that I am not happy with the way that their mom is handling this situation.  For one, I found out that she actually told Camden once that he needed to tell his Daddy that he was just too young to be away from her for very long.  The way I figure it, if she’s not nursing the boy, he’s old enough to spend more time with his Daddy.  Because Matt is not capable of feeding, clothing, bathing, and more importantly loving his children as much as she is?  Whatever.  This is also the woman who told her children that it was not her fault that she and their Daddy got divorced.  Um, cardinal rule of parenting children of divorce: never put blame on the other parent and make the child feel the need to “choose” sides.  Duh.

She actually called Matt the other day to voice her concern about Camden being homesick.  Uh.  So, if we went to her about every time Camden said he was sad and that he missed her a) it would be everyday that they talk to each other on the phone and b)she would throw a fit.  The point is, he misses them both, he tells them both that and it is what it is.  Having Camden spend more time with her will only do what, make him miss being here more?  I don’t know what to do about it.   Maybe right now the best we can do is live with it.  Because if we changed things around every time he said he missed the other person, we would be changing things every week.

I wish Camden didn’t feel this way.  I wish that he only wanted to be at our house and only wanted to visit his mom.  But, unfortunately, that’s not the reality.  No matter how much I feel like we do “right” and how little I think she does “right” she is still his mother, and he will always love her.  So, somehow, I have to get over what I’m feeling.

One of the biggest feelings I have right now is that I’m nobody’s mother.  Which, realistically, I’m not.  I’m not the boys mother.  I love them with all that I have, and I try to do my best by them, but they have a mother and it is not me.  Most of the time I’ve learned to deal with it ignore it.  But, lately, with Camden missing his mom so much, it makes it hard to forget.  I’m wondering when it’s going to be my turn.  Why God is not blessing us.  Wondering if God will ever choose to bless us.  Or, if this is the life I’m destined to lead forever.  “Mothering” someone’s children, but never being “mom.”

I just don’t get it. We’ve always tried so hard to do what is right by/for the boys.  Yes, we’ve made some royal mistakes in the past.  Every parent does, and it’s even harder in divorce situations where you really don’t have nice feelings toward the other parent.  But we’ve tried, and we’ve been doing really good lately (so I thought).  So, if we’re doing everything we can do right, why aren’t things going smoother?

I’m confused, I’m saddened, I’m scared, I love having the boys here.  I wasn’t ready for this shock.  Maybe I just need to get over it, and learn to live with the reality that divorce brings: things will never be perfect.

Noah Koekemoer was born this morning, and only survived for a few hours.  Amanda made it through the delivery, though she was heavily bleeding and had not delivered the placenta, so she was sent to the E.R.  She is out now, and will be sent home tomorrow.  Without her baby.  My heart is aching for her right now.

I can’t even find the right words to say how I feel, or how much I wish things would have turned out different, or how much I wish I could do something to ease her pain.

It’s weird to me that I’m going to have to go one living my life, while I know there is a mother out there right now who has lost her baby and is in pain.  That I can’t do anything about it.

I fear that none of this actually makes sense because I can’t formulate the right words in my head, much less put them onto paper.  I feel so sad, yet Amanda and I weren’t best friends, mainly just acquaintances, but we kept in touch a little.  This whole situation has just been weird for me.  None of it feels right.  None of it feels like it should be happening.

And it scares terrifies me to think that something like this could happen to me one day if God chooses to bless us with a baby.  I think that’s what I’m having the hardest time with.  How God could choose to bless Amanda and Dawie with  a baby, such an amazing blessing.  And then choose to take it away from them.  And God, being all seeing as He is, had this plan laid out.  He chose to give and take away little Noah, all in the same thought.  It’s not like something came up five months later that changed His mind.  Wouldn’t it have been better not to have gotten pregnant and to experience this kind of pain?

I feel horrible even thinking these thoughts, much less putting them down for all to read, but I also know that my God is big enough to handle my fears and doubts.  When God says that He wants all of us, I firmly believe that He means that.   I will give Him my happiness, my joy, my peace as well as my grief, my sorrow, and my disappointment.  He can handle it all.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for Amanda’s safety through her labor.  I pray again for her strength to deal with this enourmous loss.  I don’t can’t understand why this was Your plan, only that it is Your plan.  I hope that one day Amanda will be able to see a part of that plan.  Let Noah know how much his Mommy and his Daddy loved him, and wished they could be with him.  Let Amanda and Dawie know that he  is in Heaven right now, with his Heavenly Father and feels no pain or sorrow.  I can’t imagine the grief that Amanda and Dawie will be feeling after this.  Provide them with comfort, both Yours and from those around them.  Remind them of all your names: Comforter, Everlasting Father, Faithful and True, Guide, Hope, Love.  Let them feel the realities of You in their lives.  Amen.

One of my best friends (Christyn) has a cousin named Amanda.  Amanda and Dawie (he is South African) are married and she is pregnant with their first child, a son named Noah.  She is currently five months along.  They just learned that he has a genetic disorder, and they are at this moment in the hospital where labor is being induced. The doctors are not optimistic about his survival.  Unfortunately, these are all the details that I have at the moment.

Please pray for everyone involved, especially Amanda, Dawie, and baby Noah.

Dear Lord,

Please let Dawie, Amanda, and Baby Noah feel your presence in the hospital room.  Let your love be tangible to them.  Let them physically feel your arms around them.  While we may not know the outcome, and we may not understand, please reassure us (all of us) that You have a greater plan than that which we can see.  Hold Amanda’s hand throughout all of this, you are her Heavenly Father.  Let her be reminded of that this afternoon.  Whatever plan you have in mind for Baby Noah, I pray that you would just hold him.  Hold him and love him.  Whether You keep him here on this earth, or  You take him home with You today, just hold him.  Though we know that being in Your arms is the greatest place to be, that won’t ease the pain right away.  I don’t know if peace is the right thing to pray for in this situation.  I don’t know that any mother could have peace in this situation.  I just pray that your Spirit will be felt moving amongst those gathered there, and those far away who cannot, and You give us all strength.  Give Amanda and Dawie strength to make it through whatever the outcome, for neither will be easy, to get through to the other side where they can feel your peace again and to see the blessing that you will bring out of this.  Amen.

I can’t even imagine what Amanda is going through at this moment.  I don’t want to imagine it.  I don’t want to think about that, and it is hard for me to reconcile that a loving God would do something like this.  I know that God loves us, that he sees past, present, and future, and he is good. But sometimes, in the midst of all the pain and suffering that we have to go through, I loose sight of that.   And sometimes I can’t make sense of it.  I guess the only thing that we can do is to hold on to what we know is true, even if we don’t feel it.  God tells us that feelings can lead us down the wrong path and are not reliable.  And, it’s true.

My first stop was the public library.  I love going to the library.  I think I really was made to be a homeschooling mom.  I got a whole bunch of books out on George Washington.  This is for the beginning of our American History study.  I have several biographies checked out.  I’m skimming over them now to decide which one I want to use as a read-aloud with all three kids.  I also have a neat little “graphic history.”  The kids love to read anything in comic form.  My mother in law also picked us up a really great book on speeches of the presidents.  It includes all of the major speeches, as well as c.d.’s with them.  We’ll use those in addition to the reading on each president that we’ll cover.  I may even use excerpts from their speeches as copy work.  Ooohhh…that’s a good idea!!

We are at a week and a half now with no word back from the ex about the homeschooling curriculum.  There was some work that I needed to do, that I wasn’t going to start working on yet because if she came back saying that she didn’t like it I would have just wasted a whole lot of my time.  However, we are planning on starting school around the 17th of August, and that is just a few short weeks away.  At this point I’m just going to go ahead and start doing the work that I need to.  It’s getting a little too late for her to start bringing up problems or anything.  Grrr.

Language Arts:

Grammar: Thomas will be embarking on a 2 year grammar program called Analytical Grammar

We’ll be using a much more gentle program to introduce grammar to Christian and Camden.  We will be going through the lessons provided at Daily Grammar.  We will go over the lessons two days a week, and have a brief quiz on the third.

Poetry: At the beginning of each month the kids will be given a packet of poems all by one author and a brief biography.  We’ll read over together, and by the end of the month they must have a poem of their choice memorized.

Literature: It’s really important to Matthew and I that the kids read good books, not just graded readers or “twaddle,” as Charlotte Mason would call it.  I have a list of great literature, broken up by age/grade, and will let the kids choose what books they want to read.

Composition: We will not focus on a formal writting course.  Instead, the boys will hone their writing skills through reading, oral and written narrations.  Through exposure to lots of good and varied books and writting the kids will begin to pick up on good style and voice.  They will also perform oral narrations.  Oral narrations are having the kids retell, in their own words what they have read and what is important to them.  This is the basis for written narrations and essays, in that the children have to learn how to organize their thoughts.  They will also have written narrations, where they have to write down what their narration.  Over the years written narrations will replace oral.

Spelling: Spelling lessons will take the form of dictation.  We will be using books called Spelling Wisdom.  At the beginning of the week the boys will be given an exercise out of the book.  We will look over it together and identify and words that they do not know the spelling of.  Over the week they will be responsible for studying and memorizing the words.  At the end of the week (or whenever they are ready) I will read the passage to them, and they will have to write it down with correct spelling and punctuation to move on.

Handwriting: Unfortunately, none of the kids have great handwriting.  With a little concentration practice, though, they should really be able to improve this skill.  We’ll be using a program called StartWrite, that allows you to create customized writing sheets.  They’ll practice handwriting using Bible passages, excerpts from great literature, and historical documents like the Gettysburg Address.

We will also be using this program to start teaching Camden cursive.

Shakespeare: Eventually, after we get into the swing of things, I’d like to add a Shakespeare study to our curriculum.  Once a week I’d love for the whole family to get together (including my sister-in-law, who is also homeschooled) to read through one of Sheakespeare’s plays together.

Science

We will be using Apologia texts for all three of the boys.  Thomas will be using either Exploring Creation with General Science or Exploring Creation with Physical Science.  We have not determined exactly where we want to place him yet.

Christian and Camden will be studying one of the books out of the Young Explorer  Series by Jeannie Fulbright.

Math

We will be using Saxon Math this year.   Algebra 1/2 for Thomas, Level 6/5 for Christian, and Level 5/4 for Camden.

Social Studies

World History: Ancient Egypt will be the focus this year.  We are using the daily planning guide: Genesis through Deuteronomy & Ancient Egypt.  Books that will be covered in this study:

1. The Pharoas of Ancient Egypt by Elizabeth Payne
2. Pyramid by David Macaulay
3. They Mystery of the Hieroglyphics by Carol Donoughue
4. In the Days of Noah by Earl and Bonnie Snellenberg
5. Adam and His Kin by Ruth Beechick
6. Oxford First Ancient History
7. The Golden Goblet by Eloise Jarvis McGraw
8. Cat of Bubastes by G.A. Henty
9. Motel of the Mysteries by David Macaulay

Geography: Our focus for this year will be African geography.

American History: We will spend a week covering each American president.  We will pick out a biography to read together.  The kids will make a notebook with whatever information they would like to include.  At the end of the year they will do a final project/paper on the president that they found most interesting.

Foreign Language

This is an elective that we will be adding later on in the year once we get into the swing of things.  I’m thinking (without talking to the kids first) that we will be studying American Sign Language together.  The pulic library has plenty of free resources, in addition to the many books I already have at home.

So, this is basically what Matt and I have come up with.  There is other stuff that we have talked about that we would like to eventually add on.  We are so excited about this, and I know that the boys will be too.  However, we are still waiting on Sarah to give the final ok on all of this.  We sent her the information over a week ago, now, so I’m getting really impatient.  School is going to be starting before we know it, and I really want to be prepared.  I was planning on starting the kids early, around the 17th of August and easing into things.  I figured we would start with one subject one week, add another one the next, etc.  However, without her reading over the stuff and letting us know what she thinks, we can’t really plan anything.  Hopefully, today she will let us know.

We also need to go through the process of withdrawing them from their current schools and getting them enrolled down here.  I actually just mailed the paperwork today for homeschooling in Carroll County.  I have sent an email to the superintendent of Indian River Central School District (where the kids are currently enrolled) to ask about the procedure to withdraw them, but Sarah is going to have to be the one to actually take care of that.  That makes me nervous.

But, all we can do is commit that to God.  He sees the big plan, even when I don’t (which, when it comes to Sarah and why she has to be in my life and how things will work out, I often don’t).

1. I watch Hannah Montana.  Religiously.  I have downloaded her c.d.’s and movies.  I love Miley Cyrus, too.  I know her songs by heart.
2. I left a pan of uncooked chicken in my fridge for 2 weeks because I kept forgetting to throw it out on trash day.  You can imagine the smell.
3. I haven’t accomplished hardly anything on my to do list because, in general, I’m just a super lazy person.  I try to fight against it, but sometimes my flesh just wins out.
4. I have watched every single episode of the show One Tree Hill.  Even after I stopped liking the show.  I have just invested so many years of my life into it, I can’t stop watching it now.
5. I’m a fairly jealous person.  When it comes to my husband.  I don’t like it when women that I am not friends with, too, talk to him.

I will stop there.  I think that you get the picture, though. There is some weird stuff going on in my head

I adopted a soldier as a pen pal about three weeks ago.  I write him a letter once a week (on Mondays, just so I don’t forget).  I haven’t heard anything back yet, though it’s highly likely that since he is stationed in Iraq right now he is probably just getting my first letter right about now.  I hope that he does write back, I think that would be really neat.

I’ve been working nights this week at Subway.  As weird, and probably pathetic, as it sounds, I’ve actually kind of enjoyed working at Subway.  It’s not rocket science, but I like interacting with people and the time passes really fast.  Matt doesn’t really like the fact that I’m stuck working nights this week, and I hate only seeing him a few hours of the day, but I really like the people I work with at night, a lot better than those during the day.  It’s more laid back, and the people are crazy.

While we’re talking about jobs and money, I have absolutely no idea how Matt and I are going to make it through the next couple of months.  We are barely keeping our heads above water right now, as it is.  We have 2 car payments due, my student loans are both starting to come due this month, we barely have any groceries in the house…We’ve always had fnancial troubles, but this is probably the worst that we have ever had it.  I’m trying to stay positive and look at the bright side of things.  I know that God will provide our every need.  Maybe this is a season for us to really learn what our true needs are, instead of wants that we mix up with needs.  And I also know that God can work a miracle in our lives, if He so chooses.  Truth be told, when we are faithful to God, God is faith ful to us. God is faithful all the time.  I just need to find rest and peace that God is holding us in His hands and something greater will come out of this time of struggle.

I am still not done working on the homeschool curriculum.  I really wanted to have that done by the end of this week.  I’m just stuck.  I’ve got to figure out a way to get myself “un” stuck, and quick!!  This is just such a heavy responsibility, planning a child’s education.  I am so worried that I am going to mess something up.  But Matt and I just keep reminding ourselves that if the option is us or the public school, that we are the far better option.  Nothing that we can do can harm them anymore, as long as we are trying and providing them with what they need to grow.  It’s hard because both Matthew and I come from a public school background so we have this idea of what education looks like and should be, yet we have this vision of what education could be for our children.  So, we are striving for that, but sometimes insecurities rise up when we see how strikingly different what we want for our kids is versus what the schools are teaching.  However, as long as our children’s well being and future is our main concern we will make the right decisions.  And what might have been the right decision for the last few years may not be what is right for this moment, and what is right for this moment may not be what is right a year from now.  We have to be flexible to the needs of our children and our families.

So, before the summer started I was working out hardcore.  I did 6 days a week, and I was trying to go for six weeks.  I stopped at the end of my fifth week (which was about three weeks ago) and I haven’t really done anything since.  I am so disappointed in myself.  I was on my way to looking really good for this summer.  I really, really wanted to be able to wear a bikini (though, with our current money situation I don’t even think the beach is an option so what does it matter?)!!  And I could have done it, if I hadn’t stopped.  So, I’m really bummed.  I know that I need to pick back up a work out routine, not for the aesthetic benefits, but for the health benefits.  When God does decide to bless us with a baby, I want to be in great shape, because it is better for baby, and for delivery.  I’m having a hard time motivating myself right now, since summer will probably be over before I start seeing any more benefits.  Sometimes, I feel like a failure.  I couldn’t even do 6 weeks.  I made it to five weeks, and I couldn’t sacrifice 6 more days of my life, only six hours total, to finish something that I started.  Today for breakfast I had a bowl of cereal and a piece of pizza.  Real healthy choices, right?  I just don’t want to keep gaining weight anymore.  I’m so scared one day I’m going to wake up and be huge.  I want to be happy in my body.  And not just like, “Oh, I’m cute,” but to really love my body.  I don’t want to struggle to find clothes that flatter, or even just fit for that matter.  Trying to find pants that fit my waist and my legs is horrible.  I don’t want to be embarrassed when I go to the beach or the pool by what I look like.  I don’t want to have boxes of clothes in my basement that I can’t wear anymore because I bought them a few years ago and now they don’t fit anymore and I have so few clothes that I can wear because we can’t afford to buy new ones.  I don’t want to have to cry every time we go out somewhere that I need to look decent because I have nothing to wear.  I don’t want to look at other people and be jealous because they look the way I want to look.  I know that loosing weight will not solve all my problems.  If I drop 30 pounds I know that all my problems will not suddenly disappear.  I feel so contradictory sometimes because even though I’m not happy with my body I feel a sense of freedom in it.  If it’s just Matt and I home, I’ll walk around the house naked after taking a shower.  Many days I feel comfortable in my body.  I just know that I am not healthy, and I’ve seen what my body can look like when I was younger, and I don’t want to keep gaining weight.  I want to be happy when I look in the mirror.